infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews