a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’m confused about plants
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER