You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Awesome parenting 😂
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International