Every house has this drawer
You Might Also Like
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Guy who likes music
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.