me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.