me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
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Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.