My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Twitter is an abusement park.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*