Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.