CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
car not found
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..