Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.