Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
79.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.