The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Well, shit
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin