Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
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“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.