HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
That took me a moment.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”