For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way