4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song