*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
You Might Also Like
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Flock of bats
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
From Facebook just now…
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.