My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Huge, if true.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“Huge”.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism