Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
A friend helps you before you need it
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”