* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The first one, obviously
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.