Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny