5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.