Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.