No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.