Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car