*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
You Might Also Like
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!