[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.