Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
You Might Also Like
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord