I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”