My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
You Might Also Like
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
LMAO.
IT’S-A ME,
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.