Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Don’t forget to tip your server
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Always a metermaid never a meter
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.