-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
what’s more important?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Them: Just act casual
Me: