Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
He wanted to make sure😂
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now