Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…