God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
March 16
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Safety first
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.