Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Self-cleaning conscience
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending