[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.