When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames