We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
This has made my week.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My Sentiments Exactly
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200