I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”