sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
12653.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble