My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one