You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My five year plan is a meteorite
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Worst perfume name ever.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.