* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Still my favourite meme.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
groan^2
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app