I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
real
Oh hi lol
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
a badder mouse
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
fly smarter, not harder