The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*