what could possibly go wrong?
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
i hate you platonically
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*