4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Bro what is this
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.