I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
hmm conte-me mais
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously