Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.